J’s funeral was yesterday afternoon. My dad and sister attended, in addition to my brother who has been running around all week making all the arrangements, taking care of J’s wife and mom etc. Apparently he was awesome at the service yesterday, made a speech in front of more than 400 people, laughed and cried, but continued telling about their friendship through the tears.
Shit, I’m so glad I wasn’t there… I wouldn’t have been able to stand watching my brother cry, no matter how much he, and the family, has made peace with what happened. Acceptance doesn’t take anything away from the pain of losing someone you love.
Also heard from purpleplanets
they had a slideshow running on the plasma screen in reception at the office yesterday with photos of J. OMG… I AM SO GLAD I DIDN’T SEE THAT!!!! Damn near died getting into the elevator on Tuesday, remembering how he always let me get in first. Seeing photos? Fucking shit NO!!!!!!
I’m okay. :) Thursday was overall in RR’s life, universe and everything, one of the worst days I had in a long, long, LONG time. Friday was much better. I’m getting good at the thoughts block- and redirecting thing. I’m not in denial, but I can’t afford to follow every little trigger and memory all the way to bursting into tears since I can only drink so many sedatives (they say). I’m going back to work on Monday, and it’s going to be hard enough having to walk past his desk every day on my way to my office, without going to pieces at the slightest thing.
Especially since there will be sneak attacks. Like yesterday, when I posted my fics. I did the html coding, and with the first couple of ‘<>’ suddenly remembered how everything I know about html and webpage development and programming I learned from him. I had my own website 8 years ago, and he never complained about the thousands of emails I send him, kicking and screaming and crying because the fucking thing didn’t want to work the way I want it to. The image resizing programme I’m still using today is one I got from him.
It’s going to be hard for still some time to come, but at least I know I can expect to run into trouble at the office. Nothing I can do to avoid it, only try to mentally prepare for worst case scenario, such as someone mentioning his name in a meeting.
Thanks again for everyone’s love and support and shoulders and well-wishes. I could talk to you like I weren’t able to chat to my family, and it made all the difference.
Moving on to better things. Treats, people, treats!!!!! Coffee and chocolate chip cookies and lemon bars and strawberries and ice cream and avo and cheesecake… all of you that drooled all over my posts this week may be in for a nice surprise. :) Those that haven’t shared their guilty pleasures with me yet, you’re welcome to still tell me your culinary fantasies!!!